Now gaze with reverence upon the sacred tome of evil lore that has been passed down from one generation to the next...

Chapter One: Evil As a Career Choice
Everyone who is thinking about becoming evil should stop and ask themselves one simple question; "Why do I want to be evil?" There are obvious advantages, such as the monetary benefits that come with certain ventures in evil for example. But things weren't always like this. The career landscape of those looking for a profession in evil hasn't always had the potential that it has in the current market. Let's take a look back at evil over the last 50 years. But if you're not intrested in the history just skip to Chapter two.

The 50's
The 50's were not the best time for evil. Evil had just suffered a major setback after having lost World War 2, and goodness and nicety reigned supreme in the western hempisphere, while evil was reduced to a fragile foothold in the physically and economically devestated eastern Europe. Eventually though, evil found it's way into the music industry, and thus rock and roll was born, corrupting the youth of the world with it's impure message. It was a small victory, but the seeds had been planted for further advances in evil. The battle may have been lost this decade, but the war continued.

The 60's
During the 60's evil started to worm it's way back into the social conciousness. Rock and roll had become mainstream now, and as such was no longer an efficient tool of evil. Happiness and free love prevailed, and the people rallied against such evil things like the Vietnam War. It wasn't long before evil set about to take advantage of the loose morals of the population by promoting drug use and the like. It wasn't considered evil at the time, but rest assured, behind all that lovin' and druggin' there was a plotting evil person. Evil was starting on it's road to recovery....

The 70's
During the 70's, evil was well on it's way to a full-fledged come back. The forces of evil in the music industry decided to try what worked in the 50's again by infusing music with even MORE evil than there was before. Thus, the world was bestowed with Alice in Chains, Ozzy Ozborne, Kiss, and the like. Of course the public ate it up, ever blissful of the evil running amok in the world they lived in. Evil was especially abound in the fashion industry, as polyester and leisure suits grew in popularity. The fledgling drug market that was started in the 60's blossomed in the 70's, and evil ruled the scene.

The 80's
Ah, the 80's. Truly one of the best times to be evil. The 80's were characterized by the new designer drugs being pumped into the US and ruthless evil businessmen that ran the heartless multi-national corporations that held strangleholds on the industry of the world. Of course the most diabolical thing every to be spawned forth by the forces of evil has still had far reaching effects, even to this day; Video games. Yes, video games, the dreaded form of entertainment that served to make loads of cash for the corporations of evil and turn loads of mindless little kids into... uh... mindless.. little... kids that liked to play video games. Ironically, while evil was making such huge strides in the US, it was losing it's grip in the Eastern Europe faster than a drunken Russian losing his lunch.

The 90's
Evil has never been a more viable career choice than it has been these past ten years. The evil of video games continued unabated, transforming millions of little children into future servitors of evil should the need arrise. Even more evil acts in the music industry arose, and drugs, drugs, drugs. Even the greatest proponents of goodness turned out to be evil bastards, they just didn't know it. Yes, as the 90's come to a close, it doesn't seem like there's any end to the prosperity to be had by being evil.

So as you can see, now is an excellent time to be . The market is exploding at an astronomical rate, and it doesn't show any sign of slowing. Even better, with the millenium approching, even more chaos and anarchy is bound to happen, which is some primo opportunities to be .

Chapter Two: Looking Evil
Frankly, looking evil should be the least of your concerns if you really want to be evil. Anyone who puts LOOKING evil ahead of all other aspects of being evil probably isn't really that intent on being truly evil, they just want to be an evil looking poser. Of course it's entirely possible for you looking evil to actually enhance your evil reputation, but it's not neccissarily a neccesity. For some people, they just don't have that evil enough look, no matter how hard they try. Tom Hanks, for example, could never look evil, even if his life depended on it. Christopher Walken however -- possibly the most evil looking man alive -- probably couldn't NOT look evil if his life depended on it. Of course for those that can't look evil, they might want to consider looking as CUTE as possible instead. In many ways, this is much more evil than actually looking evil; after all, evil that comes from a deceptively cute exterior is unexpected all the more.

But this is the Guide to evil after all, and if you want to look evil, it's our duty to give you the information that you need. Of course, the most important aspect of looking evil is black. Lots and lots of black. Sure, there's no direct correlation between dressing in black and being evil, but that's the general connection made between the two by the general public. For this reason, if you wish to declare to the world "Hey! Look at me! I'm the most evil son of a bitch that ever lived!" than you're going to have to dress in black, because let's face it; People are stupid, and no one's going to get it otherwise.

The wardrobe and accessories are of course of great importance to anyone who wishes to have that evil look to them. Of course you know that you should be wearing black, but black what? No, I'm afraid that black garbage bags aren't exactly what we'd call evil looking. The glory of looking evil is that it's a very flexible. If you're going for that hip, stylish evil look, you might want to consider black button down shirts with black ties in a black suit or something along those lines. Of course, sure to accentuate any evil is a trenchcoat. Not only is it ever so evily stylish, but it's also fuctional and practical at the same time. Now you can look evil and still be protected by the elements. How many other looks can claim the same? Not a whole lot... unless you're into that whole "Columbo" look... But who in their right mind would do that?

Also a good accessory -- nay, a neccesity -- to the evil look is a good pair of sunglasses. There's several styles to choose form, but I personally prefer the mirrored lenses. It just seems all the more evil and unnerving for people to not be able to tell where your eyes are looking. Of course this might not suit your own personal style of evil, but it works for me. Whatever the case, make sure you get a pair that don't give you any trouble, as you'll probably wearing them morning noon and night, indoors and outdoors if you really want to convey that really evil look.

Chapter Three: Feeling Evil
A wise person (Me) once said, "When you look more evil, you feel more evil, and you can't help but be more evil." Seeing that just makes me realize just how brilliant I really am. Erm... I guess that's kind of pointless. At any rate, the point you should be getting from my long, rambling prose is that when you feel evil, eventually you can't help but to be evil.

That being said, there's plenty of things that you can do to feel more evil. The first thing you're going to have to do is to let go of all your inhibitions. After all, it's not very evil if you try and do something truly nasty, yet regret it afterwords, is it? No, it's not. Of course this is a pretty big leap to totally abandon your sense of morality, so take it in little steps. Start with your evening news. See all that death and destruction on the screen? Make you feel bad? AH! RIGHT THERE! STOP! You can't be evil and feel bad about the misfortune of others, you fool! Haven't you learned anything in life? The pain and suffering of others is there for our amusement! If you feel bad about that, then you have a long, long way to go before you can even hope of being evil. When you see this stuff on the news, you laugh at it. Think of it as your favorite sitcom. After all, if this was a movie it would be funny as hell, wouldn't it? Why not just imagine everything is like that? If you can do this, then you're one step closer to being evil.

For some people, finding amusment in the stories of other's pain and suffering is enough evil for them. If you feel like being flagrantly evil, then you might want to consider thinking of ways to inflict that pain and suffering on others. Contemplate the slowest way to kill a man aloud, and everyone around you will begin to see just how evil you can really be. Study up on all the great torture tactics used during the dark ages and the Inquisition. When someone says that they feel like killing someone, don't be afraid to jump right into the conversation and add your two cents about the most effective way of doing so. Keep this up, and it won't be long before your reputation for pure and unadulterated evil spreads far and wide thoughout the land.

Chapter Four: Being Evil
Well by now you've got the look down. Children cross the street to avoid you. Dogs turn tail and run, yelping like mad. When you go to the movies, you get an entire row to yourself because you strike fear into the hearts of men and women. Oh yeah, you've got the look down. Now you've got the thinking down. You secretly mock people in their moments of greatest suffering. You think that "World's Gruesomest Deaths Caught On Tape" is one of the funniest shows on Fox. You read up on all the latest murderers and their techniques. Yes, your thought proccesses are thourghly soaked in nothing but evil.

But the question remains... are you really evil? Well, unfortunately this isn't something that we can tell you. It's up to you to decide that you're evil. It's just something that you realize one day; you wake up, and you say to yourself "Damn. I feel real damned evil." You feel the fiery venom of evil coursing through your veins, and anything that remotely resembles niceness and good causes you to wretch violently.

Of course there are always going to be pretenders to the throne... People who would like you to believe that they're evil, but are in fact nothing more than posers. These are the sort of people that wear nothing but Marilyn Manson merchandise and say that they worship the devil. Sure, these people may actually be evil in some small way, but they do it for shock value, and shouldn't be considered anywhere near as evil as someone who's really put time into the matter.

Note to those that would try to "save" me: You'll note that I didn't say that I worship Satan. Personally I think it would be a waste of my time.

Note to those that worship Satan: Not that Satan isn't worthy of worship or anything, it's just not my cup of tea. Rock on you crazy guys!

Note to those that would try to "save" me: Not that I'm condoning Satan worshipping, I'm just keeping my mind open to all possibilities.

All said and done, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be evil, but if you're really serious about it, you too can have a rewarding and satisfying career in the world of evil.

Disclaimer

Ah, the Wonderfully All Purpose Disclaimer. The one piece of documentation that discounts us from any possible stupidity you might undertqake that could cause harm to you, your friends, your family, your pets, your mailman, and anyone else on the globe. Of course the main thing you need to realize about this guide is that it is a humor guide. That's right, it's funny, as in not to be taken seriously. Just because you play a game of Sim Satan, doesn't mean that you are Satan. When you read the guide to evil, you don't get to blame it on me if you go and crucify your neighbor's cat (Which if you do, make sure you break it's breast bone first, that'll make your job a lot easier). See that? That last part in the parenthesis? That was a joke. You're not really supposed to do it. So if you think you have some trouble discerning between what is and is not bitter, biting sarcasm and cynicism and what's reality, you really have no business on this page. Hell, you really have no business being on the internet at all. Go home you fruitcake!

Remember this is all humor!!! I don't mean any of this if i hurt anybody but if it hurt any of the people i work with then oh well those shitheads deserve it. Later!